Howdy, folks. And by folks, I mean my four family members and three friends who actually read this. Hey, guys. So I'm not even going to bother with making promises to now always update on time since I've taken back more promises over the course of this blog than a politician. All I can say is, happy summer. Hope you keep reading.
This creeper rocking the crop top better than an NFL cheerleader. Spoiler: He's the villain.
I've always wanted to dress in fancy clothing and play the ukulele whilst it rains money.
A dream is a wish hard work makes.
Thus ensues the tale of The Princess and the Frog. Although, if it had been made more recently during the one-worded Disney titles, it'd be called Mucus. Anyway, yay for interracial friendship, am I right?
Ahem, notice Tiana is wearing a crown? We call that "foreshadowing", boys and girls.
Tiana's mom is the best mom ever. I mean, let's look at this lady. This woman is watching two kids while working. That's impossible. One of these kids is the animated equivalent of Veruca Salt. Not to mention the cat.
Back to the plot, Mrs. Tiana, who's name I don't actually know, tells the girls the story of The Princess and the Frog. So if the title itself didn't make it painfully clear, now you've really picked up on the fact that there will be some girl-on-frog action. We soon learn that Charlotte is crazy spoiled and a major brat. Then her father walks in, voiced by the ever-incredible John Goodman. And I kid you not, John Goodman pulls a puppy out of his pocket! Disney's cool and all but this is real magic. As John Goodman showers his little hellion with elaborate gifts, Tiana and her mother leave and take a jaunt home across the other side of the tracks. And Tiana's dad! Her dad is both one of the most attractive Disney men as well as one of the best dads of all time. They make some gumbo and throw in some killer advertising for Tabasco.
Look at this family!! Look at them!
Then Tiana summons the neighbors by very adorably shouting "Hey, everybody! I made gumbo!", and the sense of community in this area is just astonishing. It's festive, I tell you.
Ok, let's examine some things. There are few Disney characters with both siblings and parents. Elsa and Ana and Lilo and Nani have siblings but they don't have parents. Disney family's have to be broken in order to reach a lesson. If Tiana's father were alive then he, being her biggest motivation for Tiana's Place, could tell her to slow down and relax. If Elsa's father was alive he would tell her that fear would hurt her. Jasmine's mother would have understood her fear of arranged marriage. If Lilo's parents were living they would not let her bring a dang alien into the house. Likewise, if Aladdin had a sibling, loneliness would not be such an impactful part of his story. If Snow White had a sibling she would have had someone to encourage her to stand up against the Evil Queen. By semi-isolating characters, Disney can better tell stories and impart lessons.
Swoosh through into the future and Tiana is a waitress. This is the first satire that Disney is making toward classic fairy tales. Sometimes a star is just a star. Wishes don't always come true. During a lovely song, we see....
Then we see this lovable fellow!
And he plays the ukulele! What?! Talk about a catch.
Here's what you need to know about our man, Naveen. He's the prince of some country that I'm not sure is real but he has a French accent. His parents cut him off because he's a lazy little cuss. Now he has to find and marry a rich woman or make a living somehow (unlikely). In summary, he is Tiana's polar opposite. He's not bad with the ladies either. He's also got a nanny:
And together, they are:
Right down to the English and French accents.
Speaking of which, if they're from a French-speaking country, why does the nanny guy have an English accent? So Tiana gets to work at her waitressing job and I've decided that Charlotte is the worst friend ever because she knows that Tiana is saving up for her own restaurant and she has the money to make it happen. But nooooooo. She never gave Tiana a penny for her dreams. The snob. Anyway, now Charlotte has decided to marry Naveen to become a princess. Money isn't enough; she wants fame and glory too. Tiana makes a lighthearted comment about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach, and Charlotte hears "the way to a mans heart is by seducing him with your best friend's food." So Charlotte throws a few handfuls of money in Tiana's face so that she'll cater her "impress the prince" masquerade. Tiana, newly endowed with a fortune, signs the papers on the building of her dreams that will hopefully become Tiana's Place. The downside is....its a little....rustic....
Sometimes a castle is just a shack.
Sometimes a ball is just a dinner party. Sometimes a prince is just a frog. And if that's not deep, I don't know what is.
Tiana , who is no novice to hard work, is not phased by how rundown the building is. She even breaks out into song about it. Because Disney. And what a wonderful song it is. "I'm aaaaaalmost theeere!!!" You'll be singing it all day, I promise. The animators use an incredible technique during this scene. They change the animation style to emphasize the separation of the real and the ideal. By slipping into an even more cartoonish style, they further isolate the idealistic future that Tiana is dreaming of. They are saying that "almost there" isn't all the way there.
All this needs is a green light and an emotionally incompetent middle-aged gentleman and you got a Gatsby party.
On the other side of town Dr. Facilier AKA the bad guy, starts luring Naveen and his English buddy into his evil lair. But just for a second can we talk about how beautiful Naveen's voice is? He should narrate an audio book or something. Let's look at some colors, shall we? Idealism is gold. It's a wealth color showing that at this point, Tiana's dreams are for success. Naveen is wearing soft colors and white, showing innocence and his henchman is wearing black. Uh-oh. That can't be good.
Dr. Evil Bad Man starts showing them some cards trying to lure them with riches and power (like Satan, so he's basically Satan) and the cards are purple:
Purple, as you probably know, is the color of royalty. So while it stands for some more obvious outcomes-Naveen returning to his throne-it also has some hidden meaning. For instance, a similarity to Tiana in happiness having a direct correlation with wealth.
Dr. Big Hat draws the two lads into his scheme with promises of wishes granted, but alas it was a trick. Sometimes a wish is just a curse. Ahem, to quote some of my favorite Broadway musicals: "Wishing only wounds the heart"(Wicked) "Wishes come true not free."(Into the Woods).
Then the warm and wonderful animators down at Disney decide to FREAK US THE HECK OUT! What were you thinking?
- "Hey, Bob, you know what would be fun? If we gave every kid in America excruciating nightmares."
- "Sounds like a swell plan, Jim."
But this film is all about deception and Dr. Crop Top's signature color is purple, especially when he is screwing with magic voodoo crap. Evil often is disguised as good. Curses can come in the shape of what you want most. Nightmares often come dressed as daydreams....and I swear if you start singing Blank Space, I will shank you.
Next scene, we see Miss Lottie's ball and here's where the real fairy tale spoofing begins. Our heroine is not dancing with Prince Charming. She's not being a social butterfly. She's not dressed to the nines. She came dressed as a medieval peasant and is serving food. Tiana's choice of costume just emphasizes that she doesn't see herself as a princess. Princess is a state of mind and Tiana can't understand that. She values hard work so much that she can't see herself as anything that she doesn't think she's earned. With that state of mind, even if she gets her restaurant, she won't be happy. Because happiness doesn't come from money or fulfilling a dream. Happiness comes from accepting yourself and loving life no matter what it's done to you. No matter how much everyone tells you to shoot for your dreams, your dreams are worth crap unless you can be happy without them first.
While Tiana is catering, who do we see but the two gentlemen who sold her a restaurant...dressed in a horse costume. These guys helped her attain her dream so now they're dressed as her noble steed as a fairy-tale would generally allow. They do, however, tell her that someone came in with a higher offer and the building is no longer hers. Then they have the nerve to say, "You're better off where you're at." What the?! I cannot think of anything more offensive. "You're better off where you're at"?! First, who are you to judge someone and what's best for them? Second, who are you to say that someone isn't built for better things? Who are you to be content keeping a young woman in an oppressed position? Does anyone else want to jump into the computer screen and punch these gentleman? I do. Sometimes a steed is just an idiot in a horse costume. Lottie gets Tiana upstairs and now we are really spoofing the fairy-tales. Who does this remind you of?
Tiana's discontent from life is deeper than not being successful. Here she is, in a mansion dressed like a princess and she's still void of happiness. Let's not ignore the fact that she is a black woman in the South forty years before the Civil Rights Act and only recently after the women's suffrage movement. That is in no way an easy position to be in. Disney does juxtapose Tiana and Lottie. One is handed everything and the other works relentlessly and still has nothing.
So distraught Tiana waltzes into the balcony, like any princess would, and there we see our charming Prince Naveen. Darn him. He's even suave as a frog.
Those thighs though.
Let's take a moment to applaud and acknowledge Prince Naveen for so far being the only Disney Prince with an accent. Most Disney princes have some known ethnicity but none have accents.
Good ol' Naveen here asks for a kiss in exchange for anything Tiana wants and she's all like "seems legit". I think this is a good time to introduce a teaching moment. Kids, if someone, man or frog, ever asks you for any kind of sexual favor in exchange for something else, RUN. Or you will turn into a frog and die. By the way, Tiana kisses him and turns into a frog. Talk about irony.
Tiana is understandably pissed and stuff goes down. There's a drunken octopus, a chase scene, a Streetcar Named Desire reference, and Tiana and Naveen end up in a swamp, which isn't difficult considering this is Louisiana. Naveen tells Tiana that he, too, is poor and she flips.
I have too sudden realizations that I would like to share with the class:
1. This is the first dual broke Disney royal couple.
2. Naveen makes more sexual advances than every other Disney character combined.
The fact that they are both poor, however, is a notable fact. Every Disney princess movie contains either a prince or princess who is wealthy, as most royals are. This movie ingeniously finds a way to avoid the eternal wealth factor and shows that you can be a princess with a humble lifestyle. We've had princesses like Cinderella and Belle who had humble beginnings, but they always end up in an extravagant state with the world at their fingertips. Naveen and Tiana cannot save each other. And sometimes in relationships, no one needs saving. Tiana is not a damsel in distress and Naveen is not a rugged hero. That's the case in most relationships.
Naveen and Tiana are heading down the swamp, bickering up a storm when this guy shows up:
How does he play trumpet?! Let me tell you folks, I play trumpet and I have experienced the unreasonably small mouthpiece. There is no way that this alligator can contort his alligator lips into the perfect shape for a trumpet mouthpiece. Also, wouldn't it be all rusty? Water is not good on brass instruments. Disney, I love you, but your research was lacking on this one.
Tiana and Naveen ask their new gator friend, Louis, about becoming human again and he refers them to Mama Odie, who is the baddest voodoo mama in the swamp....and quite possibly the only one. Also Madame Mim reference!
Well played, Disney. Well played.
Also this is a terrible impression of Mama Odie:
I have literally no idea why Louis would make that face to do an impression of her.
Louis realizes that if Mama Odie can make Tiana and Naveen human then she can make him human too so he can play his trumpet in peace. Suddenly, it's The Wizard of Oz as a ragtag group of misfits head off into the sunset to find a magician who can give them what they need. And they do it in song! Because why not? And what a glorious song it is.
Back on Dr. Pornstache's side of the world, he and his English minion are totes cat-fishing Lottie, voodoo style. He proposes, she accepts. No further development. Except that they need Naveen. Something about his blood activating the amulet that turns the fat white guy into a suave black man.
Back on the bayou we meet everyone's favorite firefly, Ray! Who doesn't love a good Cajun lightning bug? Tiana and Naveen literally have their tongues tied....to each other. Because they had to find some way to work sexual tension into their relationship even though they're frogs, and this is a children's film. So Ray comes to their rescue. Yay Ray! Also that rhymed.
Ray and his firefly friends agree to take Tiana, Naveen, and Louis to see Mama Odie. These independent fireflies show that we can be our own evening stars and light our own way, and if that's not deep than nothing is.
Then we see another brief Dr. Jeggings scene which is the scariest and most unnecessary moment in the cinematic universe:
Really? Did Satan really have to make an appearance?
So Dr. Facilier (I have no cute nicknames left) is apparently working for this man, let's call him the Devil, and he must convince the Devil to give him another chance. The details here are all very vague. Also I'm blogging this two months after I actually watched the movie, so mostly I just don't remember...also vagueness and whatnot.
Back in the swamp, Tiana takes some dang initiative and decides that they need to make dinner and eat which makes me like Tiana even more. I like food. So she sets the spoiled Prince Naveen to mincing mushrooms. Umm....tip for life number 688: DO NOT EAT RANDOM SWAMP MUSHROOMS! Seriously, it's basic safety code. If you do consume a random swamp mushroom and have a suspicion that it is toxic, I urge you to call poison control hotline (if you have cell service in your random swamp. If not, you better be praying). The number is: 1 (800) 222-1222. But don't call if you're not actually in danger of being poisoned because I don't need Poison Control on my back about having people call them.
Flirtation alert on Naveen and Tiana: the gumbo's not the only thing getting hot up in here. Ray sets the mood and starts singing about the love of his life, the best lightning bug out there: Evangeline. Unfortunately, Evangeline is just a star. And just like Anna and Kristoff, Tiana and Naveen don't have the heart to tell him his dream is not possible. But he sings, some of which is in Cajun French which Naveen so adorably translates for Tiana. I personally think this was added to give the couple second-hand intimacy. Naveen is saying the words to Tiana, and it sounds genuine. This dinner is such a pivotal moment in the film because they both have to experience each other's lifestyles. Naveen has to experience actual labor. He puts out actual effort to achieve a satisfying outcome. Tiana has to relax like Naveen does. She gets to experience enjoying what life has to offer, while Naveen experiences enjoying the fruits of his labor. It's a beautiful balance, and shows that two opposites can find harmony.
Finally we see the infamous Madame Odie and she isn't bad at all. She's just a nice lady who happens to be blind, thereby implementing the cliche, "blind person sees better than the other characters" ironic theme. Not that I don't love that theme; it's one of my favorites. I will say, trying to maintain my respect for Disney, that it is a little juvenile. Now I will change the subject before I offend some folks.
Madame Odie's scene parallels Dr. Facilier's (pretty sure that he is in no way medically certified or has a PhD) voodoo scene. Both take place when naive troubled souls come to visit. Dr. Notadoctor, however, lures his patients in while Madame Odie is sought out. And that's how it works, isn't it, darlings? Evils sets traps, and everyone spends their lives looking for good. They both have a fun musical number, though Dr. Facilier's was just plain creepy, and Madame Odie's is THE BEST SONG IN EXISTENCE! "It don't matter what you look like." It's a groovy tune, let me tell you. And hecka deep. Yeah, I said hecka. Shout out to my homegirl, Megan. Dr. Facilier's scene is filled with dark colors and Madame Odie's is all light and airy...another familiar device. Also Madame Odie has a snake. Snakes are typically affiliated with sin and all evil sketchy things. Madame Odie's pet snake shows that not everything is what it seems. One of the main themes in this story is deception. Naveen was lured into a trap by something that seemed like Heaven, but it turned out to be Hell. Madame Odie is famed for being rotten, when really she is just a delightful old blind African-American woman. Kind of like in The Sandlot. Thinks are not what they seem, people. Madame Odie dishes out some life lessons and hot gumbo and all Tiana walks away with is the thought that she needs to work harder. She needs to chill, but she's living in a society that says that her status dooms her to labor and she embraces that. Work hard, but don't accept what society tries to dish you.
Also I'd like to say that Ray trying and failing a reprise in this scene is all of us. Don't pretend you haven't been there before, because you have.
So they hop on a boat, as one does. Louis fits in and plays trumpet because everyone thinks he's a dude in a gator costume so plus. And our dear friend, Naveen decides to propose to Tiana. He minces her some dinner and is all awkward and cute. Then, tragically, he realizes that Tiana might rather be a human and pursue her dreams than live life as a frog with him. Meaning he has to kiss Lottie to get her what she wants. Also because Lottie is the Mardi Gras Princess, it is somehow legit in the magic world and her kiss will revive Tiana and Naveen. Sometimes you just gotta kiss another girl to win over the woman you love....I'm being sarcastic. That's false, everyone.
This is where we get real deep though. What most viewers out there don't realize is that chasing after someone is selfish. It's only looking after your own happiness. Loving someone is wanting them to be happy even if that means being miserable yourself. Chasing implies running. Running implies the desire to leave. Chasing someone is never a good idea, however romantic media may depict it.
Fun piece of news: the creepy guy gets even creepier! Why oh why?! So the party is underway and Lottie is about to marry the English bloke who's name I forgot on a float because romance. But he looks like Naveen so she's okay with it. Then Tiana, after thinking that she and Naveen may work, sees the two mid-wedding ceremony. First of all, that would be some pretty quick work on Naveen's part if it were really him. Second, could you just imagine? This is a woman who has closed herself off to human emotion and vulnerability and the second she opens up, he goes and marries her best friend. That's tragedy, folks. Also known as situational irony. Stuff happens. What kind of stuff, you ask? I don't know. I didn't write it down. I just remember a terrible chaos, Louis leaving his trumpet and trampling folks, and Shadow Man causing stuff and stepping on Ray. Yes, he kills Ray, which is the saddest event since Mufasa bit it. All in the last few minutes, Louis, Ray, and Naveen all gave up their dreams for Tiana.
Everyone at this point is fighting for the amulet. You remember the amulet, right? Activated by blood and in the shape of some weird voodoo thing? That amulet. Eventually Tiana gets it and our heroine has a choice. Shadow Man goes into manipulation mode, as all bad guys do. He explains to her that all she's ever done is work and all her father ever did was work. He promises her that in handing over the amulet, he will ensure that she gets her restaurant and that she never has to work another day. Let me just preach to you a bit: The Devil has no problem giving you what you want to get what he wants. But what you want isn't always what you need and it doesn't imply happiness. Everybody sing: "YOU CANT ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WAAAAANT" Alright, back to the story. Kind of like Anastasia in the classic Fox film Anastasia, Tiana smashes the amulet, thus ensuing the most inappropriate Disney scene there's ever been. I kid you not, demons and voodoo dolls and weird creepy masks start singing and playing drums whilst dragging Shadow Man into the depths of Hell. No lie.
Although, not gonna lie, for weird little mask things, the music is quite good.
This isn't what you signed up for when you saw the Cinderella castle at the beginning shimmering to the tune of "When You Wish Upon a Star".
But hey! The bad guy is dead which means that our leading couple can now be together. Yay! Except for no. Naveen still has to kiss Charlotte. Which is kind of a mood killer. "Hey, Honey. I love you but I need you to kiss my friend, Lottie." Luckily, Lottie has absolutely no problem with making out with Tiana's new beau. So Lottie puckers up and.........the clock chimes. Dearies, if there is anything you can learn from this movie, it's that sometimes midnight comes too soon. This follows this movie's habit of parodying fairy-tales. Cinderella made it home from the ball, but not everyone does in time. Tiana's story didn't work out like clockwork, but that's life. And sometimes, love has to still exist and life has to still be lived, no matter the terms.
Fast forward to Ray's funeral. You may all sob if you wish. Ray was such a pure and innocent character. His death is another life lesson. Happy endings are never a guarantee. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Ray, however, in his relentless optimism, makes his ending happy. He was proud to die for his friend, Tiana, and excited to join his one true love, Evangeline. As they lower Ray's smushed body into the lake (not as graphic as it sounds), another star joins Evangeline in the sky. The two are finally together. I'm going to now take a break and go flood the ground with my tears.
Fast forward to Tiana and Naveen's wedding. This is seriously the most beautiful wedding ever. And when they kiss, they transform into people again. Because the second they get married, Tiana becomes a princess.
But conveniently, the spell-breaking comes with a free Vera Wang number and tailored suit. Because magic.
And then they have another wedding! You know, one Tiana's mother can attend.
Although the green is a little overdone at this point.
Tiana never opens Tiana's Place. This journey taught her she is a worthy woman. She opens Tiana's Palace and she and Naveen still work, but it's a good kind of work. And they're in love!!!!!
I will now proceed to list off reasons why this movie needs a sequel:
1. The majority of their relationship was as frogs. Naveen is such a suave guy, and Tiana is such a strong woman. We need to see them together as people.
2. Tiana's Palace looks like a happenin' place. We need to see more of it.
3. Naveen and Tiana never got their signature love ballad. Every Disney royal couple has one.
4. We never met Naveen's parents. Sure they're kind of jerks, but still. Bring out the parents!
5. Need more Louis.
6. The movie is underrated and people need to see that these characters are worthy of Disney royalty.
7. Naveen, Naveen, Naveen.
The end. Don't screw around with voodoo. I think that's all that needs to be said here.
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