The Aristocats

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Guess what I'm writing about this week? Guess! It's The Aristocats! What a play on words! (Also I like to pronounce this title in a really bad French accent. Something like: Ze Aree-stoh-cahtz). If you're new to the blog, take note that there are spoilers....like all the spoilers....every single spoiler. That being said, let's get this baby rolling.

After a very long opening credits sequence, the movie opens in Paris 1910. I do, however, enjoy the opening credits on this film because the artistic quality, animation, and use of color tend to mimic Parisian romanticism in my mind.
Example:

       
I used this slide specifically because of the name Lord Tim Hudson....playing the English Cat. Actually I can't tell if they are attempting to be accepting of all races or if they are being racist...For the sake of optimism let's say that they are being inclusive of world culture. 

       Anyway, back to Paris 1910. We see the ever-sophisticated Adelaide in a carriage ride with her cat, Duchess, and Duchess' three adorable kittens. The whole thing is being driven by Edgar: butler, assistant, cat sitter, and chauffeur extraordinaire. Right from the beginning, we see the misfortune in Edgar's existence. The guy is trying to drive this carriage with kittens on his face.  I mean, I love kittens but I also love road safety. And does Adelaide do anything? Nope. Because she loves the kittens more than road safety....and probably more than Edgar. 

      Change of subject: are we going to discuss the fact that these kittens are fatherless? There is zero mention of Adelaide having a male cat, and a woman who is so enthralled with cats would be upset if she had one who died so recently. The kittens aren't too old. I hate to take the film out of G rating land, but the only theory I can think of is that Duchess got out one night and had a fling. That is the only possible way. There is no mourning. Cat gestation is only like a month. Adelaide has had Duchess for more than a month, meaning she couldn't have bought the cat already pregnant. I'll discuss my certainty in Adelaide and Duchess' relationship later, so sit tight. The other aspect of assuming Duchess had a fling in an alleyway is the appearance of her kittens. A woman of Adelaide's status in early 20th century France would have only allowed a purebred mating. These kittens are three different colors, meaning they are probably not purebred (probably...I don't know anything about cat mating to be honest). Meaning the father is probably not of status like Duchess. I'm just tossing out some ideas. 

      Back at the house, an interesting gentleman, who happens to be Adelaide's lawyer, arrives. He, too, is a handful that Edgar must deal with. 

   

Is anyone else impressed with the elevator? I think you've made it in life if you have an elevator in your personal residence. And that's a classy looking elevator too.

    After quite a bit of time, Edgar finally gets the incessant man upstairs for his meeting with Adelaide. The lawyer starts the conversation with the question, "Who do you want to sue?" Maybe that's just comedy or an attack on lawyers, but I would like to examine it as an attack on the wealthy. It's very plausible that this movie is an allegory for societal structure pre-French Revolution. It just needs to be seen as a loose allegory and not a direct replica, as it is not in correct period for one thing. But come on, the movie is called The Aristocats. Going off of that theory, however, the suing comment is an indicator of the selfishness of the rich. Adelaide has everything and no reason to sue, yet it would not be uncommon. I'll embellish later. 

     As Adelaide begins talking to her lawyer about her will, we see Edgar in his natural habitat so to speak:

    

Really? You live in a mansion alone and this is where you keep poor old Edgar?

Seriously though, the structure here implies that this is an attic bedroom. She's keeping the butler, the most loyal person in her life (supposedly) in an attic. It's quite sad. That's what makes Edgar complex as an antagonist: he draws sympathy. Also is that a guitar behind the bed? What if Edgar wanted to be a musician but couldn't make it and is now living as a servant, putting his dream aside? 

     During this scene, Edgar can hear Adelaide talking through that pipe thing. The lawyer assumes that she is leaving her fortune to Edgar. Makes sense right? The guy had devoted his life to her and even set aside a music career to do so, probably. Adelaide corrects him, though, saying that her fortune will be left to her cats, and then to Edgar when the cats die. May I just say: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HECK??!! How much money can a cat use? And wouldn't someone have to be guardian of that money over the cat? I mean Duchess and the kittens can't just waltz into Petsmart and have a shopping spree. They don't have opposable thumbs for goodness sakes! Adelaide, my dear friends, is cray cray. So Edgar hears this and says something along the lines of what I just did but not quite, and is not pleased. 

       Transition to the cats. They are chilling in a luxurious manner, probably to signify the spoiled nature of the Revolution-era French aristocracy or something profound like that. Duchess tells Toulouse to paint and Marie and Berlioz to practice scales and arpeggios. First off, Toulouse chooses to paint an unflattering picture of Edgar....Edgar, the man who waits on them hand and foot. Edgar, who is inheriting behind them. Edgar, who gave up his lifelong dream of being a musician for them. So that's definitely not nice. Next, let me talk to you about the fundamentals of an arpeggio. An arpeggio, my friend, is a piece of musicianship that requires (on the piano) a wide finger span, also five fingers. There's virtually no way a cat could play an arpeggio. Also, the song they sing has a trill which requires rapid movement between two adjacent notes. Not possible. Maybe I'm just bitter because of Edgar's mistreatment but still. Also fun fact: Adelaide has a British accent, Duchess has a Hungarian accent, and the kids have American accents. Nobody has a French accent in this film, even though it takes place in France. So that's suspicious. 

       The problem I'm having, however, is that the combined spoiled nature of the kittens and Edgar's pathetic life questions my morals. Edgar's future actions are, without a doubt, wrong, but it is difficult to blame him. I mean, he seems to be the only sane character. And do the cats really need a large inheritance? Couldn't Adelaide just put it in the will that Edgar is the heir but is only eligible if he cares for the cats? That seems more intelligent to me, just sayin'. What I'm trying to get at is that this movie breaks the fairy-tale tradition of putting a stamp on the villain's forehead that says "I am inherently bad". Edgar is tormented throughout the beginning of this movie, giving a clear progression into his evil doings. It's clear to see his progression, and even to identify with him. 

       So Edgar starts cooking up something for the kittens (literally and metaphorically). He goes into the parlor with a tray of creme de la creme a la Edgar (active ingredient: sleep medication), and the cats indulge themselves. This is when we meet their friend, Roquefort the mouse! He will be important later, FYI. So Roquefort comes out and they let him eat cake, so to speak. Except for in this scenario cake is creme de la creme a la Edgar (active ingredient: sleep medication), and the stuff wipes all of them out. 

      Then Edgar takes all four cats, sticks them in the sidecar of his motorcycle (he has a motorcycle with a sidecar), and takes off. His trip to an unannounced location is cut short, however, when two car-chasing dogs initiate a good ol' fashioned chase scene. 

     If we are still going along with my Revolution allegory then the dogs and Edgar represent two different types of revolutionaries. Edgar wants to overthrow the aristocrats which are the cats in this scenario. He was justice and glory. Basically if this was Les Miserables, he'd be this guy: 

              

               

       You may take a break to swoon over Aaron Tviet if you need to. I did.

The dogs are chasing Edgar for the motorcycle and thrive on thievery. They are the type of revolutionaries who just want the money. They are poor and glued to the idea of wealth. Meaning if this were Les Miserables, they'd be these guys:

    

                                         I'm all about a good musical reference.

        The basket of kittens flies off the sidecar and under a bridge as Edgar is chased into the distance. The basket landing under the bridge signifies immediately that the cats are about to suffer a lifestyle change, as living under a bridge is usually used to display immense poverty. I have to hand it to Duchess though for being a complete boss during this scene. Obviously, the kittens are terrified after waking up somewhere unrecognizable and obviously dangerous, but Duchess keeps it cool. She stays calm and doesn't show an ounce of fear. That's what makes a good parent. Being strong so your kids don't have to but learn to be strong. If that makes any sense. 

           Back at the house, Adelaide is terrified by the disapearence of the cats. She calls out "Duchess, kittens" leading me to believe that Duchess is most important to her. And why wouldn't she be, since she's obviously had her the longest? If you look at Adelaide, she's living alone, with the exception of Edgar. That's a lonely lifestyle and Duchess was probably her closest friend, as sad as that is to say. Roquefort though, being the champ he is, throws on his plaid mouse coat and takes off to find them. 

What is it with Disney's obsession for sending mice on rescue missions?

                        Shout out to Miss Eva Gabor for being in both of these films BTW.
   Back to the unfortunate tale of Duchess, Marie, Toulouse, and Berlioz. They are making literally zero progress as they lay eyes on Thomas O' Malley: a suave, singing alley cat. He sees Duchess and practically starts drooling. Being the skilled playboy he is, he simply sings about how awesome he is while eyeing her like a piece of meat, totally casual. Duchess, playing hard to get starts grooming herself....also casual.

                                              Subtle...

Come on, Duchess. Your children are watching. Oddly enough, O'Malley IS attracted to the feline who is literally licking herself in front of him. Nobody saw that coming. Then he finds out she has three kids and backs out like a loser. I do love the authenticity in that though. This is real. It's difficult for single moms to date, and it's difficult to date single moms. There's no sugar coating in this story. Toulouse and Thomas have a bond, however. 

   

                                 I mean there's the fact that they're identical. 

   But we know that Toulouse is different than his siblings. The other two play piano, he paints. He fanticizes about being an alley cat while the other two enjoy their privileged lives. In the beginning, it's Toulouse who is bothering Edgar while the others behave during the carriage ride. O' Malley is finally someone he can bond with. This also accompanies my theory that the father was an alley cat. If he was an alley cat, that would explain Toulouse's color and mannerisms. In the end, it's Toulouse's instant bond with Thomas that convinces him to stay and help them.

      He puts them on a delivery truck to Paris, indulging them in the fantasy that it's a magic carpet. Then when little Marie falls from the truck, he saves her. We all love a hero. When he and Duchess start a conversation, she confirms my earlier theory by stating Adelaide's loneliness and herself being the remedy.  

       The next few minutes are strictly plot: they get thrown off the truck, almost run over by a train, and then Thomas gets swept up in a river current. This is perhaps insinuating the difficulty of life for the poor vs. the rich. It's displaying the harsh reality outside of the mansion to Duchess and her kittens. 

       So Thomas is trying to get to shore when these two delightful geese come wandering along.

     

       I love how every animal in his movie has exactly one article of clothing (O'Malley excluded).

    These geese, Amelia and Abigail Gabble, see Thomas' struggle as an attempt at swimming, so naturally they swoop in and try to teach him how to swim. The rich used to, and to some extent still do, have an obsession with educating vs. helping the poor. Education is amazing and I do feel that should be priority but when someone is drowning: rescue first, teach later. 

     Once O'Malley is safe and drying off, the Gabble sisters introduce themselves and offer to escort them back to Paris. They form a line and put O'Malley and Toulouse on the end.

  

                                I told you: Disney's doing something here.

  

  They come to a Parisian restaurant where the Gabble sisters' Uncle Waldo comes stumbling out after being basted in wine. He is undeniably inebriated. So far we've had an implied one night stand, a seductive grooming scene, and now an intoxicated goose. This movie has something for everybody. So after one of film's greatest drunk scenes, they walk into the distance and we check in with our good friend Edgar.

     Edgar finds out that he left too much evidence at the crime scene. Evidence being his hat and umbrella. Edgar then treks back to the two dogs who are sleeping soundly. He's a grown man right? It would then be reasonable to assume that he can just walk up to the two SLEEPING dogs, grab his things, and then take off. Right? Nope. Somewhere along the way, Edgar decides the best course of action is to hide in a haystack while lifting his personal items with a fishing pole. Legit. See, when I was little, I thought that this scene was probably the greatest piece of comedy I'd ever know. Now, as a technical adult, I think it's the most frustrating thing in the world. Come on, Edgar! What are you thinking? You're a musician, so you have swift hands! Just grab the dang hat!

       Anyway, despite my relentless shouting at the screen, Edgar continues with his pole trick until the dogs inevitably awaken. Cue chase scene. Once again...he's a grown man right? It would then be reasonable to assume that he could bike away from two dogs no problem right? Nope. 

     

      Somewhere along the line, Edgar decided that travel via haystack was more efficient. Oh, Edgar. You had so much promise. 

      Back on the other side of the world, Thomas takes Duchess and her children back to his "pad". You know where this is going....but you don't because his mood murdering friends apparently host band practice in his apartment. As most friends do. Thomas' BFF, Scat Cat, and his band start jamming out to "Everybody Wants to be a Cat". Best song of the movie, folks. Also what is Disney's obsession with trumpet playing animals?

                                    Anatomically impossible for both, FYI.

   Now we've come full circle. We've come from scales and arpeggios in the parlour to scat and jazz in the pad. Also let's take a look at these lyrics:

    

     I'm all for a little jazz, but should you be singing your turn-ons with your kids in the room? Come on, Duchess. This isn't the Kardashians. 

     Fast forward. Duchess and Thomas are on the roof overlooking the city. It's quite romantic actually. Thomas does the best possible thing and compliments her kids first. 

      Big speech time: Duchess is a much needed Disney heroine. Disney heroines are always young. Duchess is a mom. Her priority is her offspring. Duchess exemplifies that heroism and romance and ambition are not exclusive to youth. Duchess tells the moms and women of this world that they are so very important, and not taken over by the youth of society. We often reduce our parents to being parents when they are just like their children. They are individuals with dreams and lives and love. It's insulting to say that their one hobby is their child. They are so thriving and vital to our world, and this movie shows that.

      The next morning, Thomas drops Duchess and the kittens off at their mansion. Guys, it's like when Meg leaves Hercules at Mount Olympus...only maybe not as sad. Idk..it's harder to empathize with cats. Especially wealthy ones. 

       Edgar is not thrilled to see them, however. He does what any villain would do, and puts them in a bag in the oven. Roquefort. Dear Roaquefort the Mouse, goes to find Thomas' alley cat friends, knowing they might kill him. But he loves them so much that he's willing to do it. That is real bravery. Everyone should be more like Roquefort. Also, the cats don't kill him. They almost do but then they find out who sent him and take off to go help, so that's exciting.

      The cats move from the oven to the shed where Edgar intends to put them in a trunk and mail them to Timbuktu. Ok, so I know that's supposed to be evil but I can't help but think otherwise. How amazing would it be to be chilling in Timbuktu and then get a trunk full of kittens mailed to you! That would make my day, I tell you. Plus I'm still kind of rooting for the struggling musician.  

       After an intense battle with a pitchfork, the cats, with the help of their other animal friends, manage to put Edgar in the trunk, at which point he is put in a trunk and shipped to Timbuktu. Karma, am I right? Also that is a really dark ending if you think about it. Like seriously dark. Also very Animal Farm-esque. 

      On the bright side, Adelaide takes Thomas and his friends in. She finds a way to occupy her time and to cure her loneliness. Also this is sort of like the cat version of Lady and the Tramp right? Spoiled house pet meets rugged street animal and both end up living together in luxury. That's the dream. 

Don't get it twisted though. This movie is not sugar-coating things by giving them a happy ending. Disney has a reward system that educates children. The character did good things so they were given good things. Edgar did bad things and was forced to travel to Timbuktu via trunk. Good things don't necessarily go to good people, but it's nice to fantasize that way. Also the cats proved that they weren't dependant on money. They didn't need a luxurious life, but Adelaide did. And she needed them.

In conclusion: a list of things I learned watching this now vs. watching it as a kid:

-the movie isn't about the kittens, it's more about Duchess 

-Roquefort is the best 

-It's more about actions and consequence than romance

-Duchess knows how to get down

-Edgar might have been a struggling musician oppressed by society and forced to stifle his dreams     while living a life full of peasantry and servitude

With that I'll leave you with this gem:

                                                      You're welcome.

       

The Princess and the Frog

Howdy, folks. And by folks, I mean my four family members and three friends who actually read this. Hey, guys. So I'm not even going to bother with making promises to now always update on time since I've taken back more promises over the course of this blog than a politician. All I can say is, happy summer. Hope you keep reading.

   Thus ensues the tale of The Princess and the Frog. Although, if it had been made more recently during the one-worded Disney titles, it'd be called Mucus. Anyway, yay for interracial friendship, am I right?

       Ahem, notice Tiana is wearing a crown? We call that "foreshadowing", boys and girls.

    Tiana's mom is the best mom ever. I mean, let's look at this lady. This woman is watching two kids while working. That's impossible. One of these kids is the animated equivalent of Veruca Salt. Not to mention the cat. 

     Back to the plot, Mrs. Tiana, who's name I don't actually know, tells the girls the story of The Princess and the Frog. So if the title itself didn't make it painfully clear, now you've really picked up on the fact that there will be some girl-on-frog action. We soon learn that Charlotte is crazy spoiled and a major brat. Then her father walks in, voiced by the ever-incredible John Goodman. And I kid you not, John Goodman pulls a puppy out of his pocket! Disney's cool and all but this is real magic. As John Goodman showers his little hellion with elaborate gifts, Tiana and her mother leave and take a jaunt home across the other side of the tracks. And Tiana's dad! Her dad is both one of the most attractive Disney men as well as one of the best dads of all time. They make some gumbo and throw in some killer advertising for Tabasco. 

    

                                             Look at this family!! Look at them!

        Then Tiana summons the neighbors by very adorably shouting "Hey, everybody! I made gumbo!", and the sense of community in this area is just astonishing. It's festive, I tell you.

          Ok, let's examine some things. There are few Disney characters with both siblings and parents. Elsa and Ana and  Lilo and Nani have siblings but they don't have parents. Disney family's have to be broken in order to reach a lesson. If Tiana's father were alive then he, being her biggest motivation for Tiana's Place, could tell her to slow down and relax. If Elsa's father was alive he would tell her that fear would hurt her. Jasmine's mother would have understood her fear of arranged marriage. If Lilo's parents were living they would not let her bring a dang alien into the house. Likewise, if Aladdin had a sibling, loneliness would not be such an impactful part of his story. If Snow White had a sibling she would have had someone to encourage her to stand up against the Evil Queen. By semi-isolating characters, Disney can better tell stories and impart lessons. 

            Swoosh through into the future and Tiana is a waitress. This is the first satire that Disney is making toward classic fairy tales. Sometimes a star is just a star. Wishes don't always come true. During a lovely song, we see....

   This creeper rocking the crop top better than an NFL cheerleader.  Spoiler: He's the villain.

Then we see this lovable fellow!

                        And he plays the ukulele! What?! Talk about a catch. 

Here's what you need to know about our man, Naveen. He's the prince of some country that I'm not sure is real but he has a French accent. His parents cut him off because he's a lazy little cuss. Now he has to find and marry a rich woman or make a living somehow (unlikely). In summary, he is Tiana's polar opposite. He's not bad with the ladies either. He's also got a nanny:

                                                     And together, they are:

                                   Right down to the English and French accents.

      Speaking of which, if they're from a French-speaking country, why does the nanny guy have an English accent? So Tiana gets to work at her waitressing job and I've decided that Charlotte is the worst friend ever because she knows that Tiana is saving up for her own restaurant and she has the money to make it happen. But nooooooo. She never gave Tiana a penny for her dreams. The snob. Anyway, now Charlotte has decided to marry Naveen to become a princess. Money isn't enough; she wants fame and glory too. Tiana makes a lighthearted comment about the way to a man's heart being through his stomach, and Charlotte hears "the way to a mans heart is by seducing him with your best friend's food." So Charlotte throws a few handfuls of money in Tiana's face so that she'll cater her "impress the prince" masquerade. Tiana, newly endowed with a fortune, signs the papers on the building of her dreams that will hopefully become Tiana's Place. The downside is....its a little....rustic....

     

                                               Sometimes a castle is just a shack.

                 Sometimes a ball is just a dinner party. Sometimes a prince is just a frog. And if that's not deep, I don't know what is.

         Tiana , who is no novice to hard work, is not phased by how rundown the building is. She even breaks out into song about it. Because Disney. And what a wonderful song it is. "I'm aaaaaalmost theeere!!!" You'll be singing it all day, I promise. The animators use an incredible technique during this scene. They change the animation style to emphasize the separation of the real and the ideal. By slipping into an even more cartoonish style, they further isolate the idealistic future that Tiana is dreaming of. They are saying that "almost there" isn't all the way there.

     

       All this needs is a green light and an emotionally incompetent middle-aged gentleman and you got a Gatsby party.

       On the other side of town Dr. Facilier AKA the bad guy, starts luring Naveen and his English buddy into his evil lair. But just for a second can we talk about how beautiful Naveen's voice is? He should narrate an audio book or something. Let's look at some colors, shall we? Idealism is gold. It's a wealth color showing that at this point, Tiana's dreams are for success. Naveen is wearing soft colors and white, showing innocence and his henchman is wearing black. Uh-oh. That can't be good. 

        Dr. Evil Bad Man starts showing them some cards trying to lure them with riches and power (like Satan, so he's basically Satan) and the cards are purple:

    I've always wanted to dress in fancy clothing and play the ukulele whilst it rains money.

 Purple, as you probably know, is the color of royalty. So while it stands for some more obvious outcomes-Naveen returning to his throne-it also has some hidden meaning. For instance, a similarity to Tiana in happiness having a direct correlation with wealth. 

       Dr. Big Hat draws the two lads into his scheme with promises of wishes granted, but alas it was a trick. Sometimes a wish is just a curse. Ahem, to quote some of my favorite Broadway musicals: "Wishing only wounds the heart"(Wicked) "Wishes come true not free."(Into the Woods).

     Then the warm and wonderful animators down at Disney decide to FREAK US THE HECK OUT! What were you thinking?

     - "Hey, Bob, you know what would be fun? If we gave every kid in America excruciating nightmares."

     - "Sounds like a swell plan, Jim."

        But this film is all about deception and Dr. Crop Top's signature color is purple, especially when he is screwing with magic voodoo crap. Evil often is disguised as good. Curses can come in the shape of what you want most. Nightmares often come dressed as daydreams....and I swear if you start singing Blank Space, I will shank you. 

         Next scene, we see Miss Lottie's ball and here's where the real fairy tale spoofing begins. Our heroine is not dancing with Prince Charming. She's not being a social butterfly. She's not dressed to the nines. She came dressed as a medieval peasant and is serving food. Tiana's choice of costume just emphasizes that she doesn't see herself as a princess. Princess is a state of mind and Tiana can't understand that. She values hard work so much that she can't see herself as anything that she doesn't think she's earned. With that state of mind, even if she gets her restaurant, she won't be happy. Because happiness doesn't come from money or fulfilling a dream. Happiness comes from accepting yourself and loving life no matter what it's done to you. No matter how much everyone tells you to shoot for your dreams, your dreams are worth crap unless you can be happy without them first.

           While Tiana is catering, who do we see but the two gentlemen who sold her a restaurant...dressed in a horse costume. These guys helped her attain her dream so now they're dressed as her noble steed as a fairy-tale would generally allow. They do, however, tell her that someone came in with a higher offer and the building is no longer hers. Then they have the nerve to say, "You're better off where you're at." What the?! I cannot think of anything more offensive. "You're better off where you're at"?! First, who are you to judge someone and what's best for them? Second, who are you to say that someone isn't built for better things? Who are you to be content keeping a young woman in an oppressed position? Does anyone else want to jump into the computer screen and punch these gentleman? I do. Sometimes a steed is just an idiot in a horse costume. Lottie gets Tiana upstairs and now we are really spoofing the fairy-tales. Who does this remind you of?

  

                                             A dream is a wish hard work makes.    

      Tiana's discontent from life is deeper than not being successful. Here she is, in a mansion dressed like a princess and she's still void of happiness. Let's not ignore the fact that she is a black woman in the South forty years before the Civil Rights Act and only recently after the women's suffrage movement. That is in no way an easy position to be in. Disney does juxtapose Tiana and Lottie. One is handed everything and the other works relentlessly and still has nothing.

      So distraught Tiana waltzes into the balcony, like any princess would, and there we see our charming Prince Naveen. Darn him. He's even suave as a frog.

                                                      Those thighs though.

    Let's take a moment to applaud and acknowledge Prince Naveen for so far being the only Disney Prince with an accent. Most Disney princes have some known ethnicity but none have accents.

     Good ol' Naveen here asks for a kiss in exchange for anything Tiana wants and she's all like "seems legit". I think this is a good time to introduce a teaching moment. Kids, if someone, man or frog, ever asks you for any kind of sexual favor in exchange for something else, RUN. Or you will turn into a frog and die. By the way, Tiana kisses him and turns into a frog. Talk about irony. 

      Tiana is understandably pissed and stuff goes down. There's a drunken octopus, a chase scene, a Streetcar Named Desire reference, and Tiana and Naveen end up in a swamp, which isn't difficult considering this is Louisiana. Naveen tells Tiana that he, too, is poor and she flips.

  I have too sudden realizations that I would like to share with the class:

               1. This is the first dual broke Disney royal couple.

               2.  Naveen makes more sexual advances than every other Disney character combined.

   The fact that they are both poor, however, is a notable fact. Every Disney princess movie contains either a prince or princess who is wealthy, as most royals are. This movie ingeniously finds a way to avoid the eternal wealth factor and shows that you can be a princess with a humble lifestyle. We've had princesses like Cinderella and Belle who had humble beginnings, but they always end up in an extravagant state with the world at their fingertips. Naveen and Tiana cannot save each other. And sometimes in relationships, no one needs saving. Tiana is not a damsel in distress and Naveen is not a rugged hero. That's the case in most relationships. 

    Naveen and Tiana are heading down the swamp, bickering up a storm when this guy shows up:

    

                      How does he play trumpet?! Let me tell you folks, I play trumpet and I have experienced the unreasonably small mouthpiece. There is no way that this alligator can contort his alligator lips into the perfect shape for a trumpet mouthpiece. Also, wouldn't it be all rusty? Water is not good on brass instruments. Disney, I love you, but your research was lacking on this one.

            Tiana and Naveen ask their new gator friend, Louis, about becoming human again and he refers them to Mama Odie, who is the baddest voodoo mama in the swamp....and quite possibly the only one. Also Madame Mim reference!

                                 

                                                 Well played, Disney. Well played.

Also this is a terrible impression of Mama Odie: 

  

       I have literally no idea why Louis would make that face to do an impression of her.

Louis realizes that if Mama Odie can make Tiana and Naveen human then she can make him human too so he can play his trumpet in peace. Suddenly, it's The Wizard of Oz as a ragtag group of misfits head off into the sunset to find a magician who can give them what they need. And they do it in song! Because why not? And what a glorious song it is. 

         Back on Dr. Pornstache's side of the world, he and his English minion are totes cat-fishing Lottie, voodoo style. He proposes, she accepts. No further development. Except that they need Naveen. Something about his blood activating the amulet that turns the fat white guy into a suave black man. 

     Back on the bayou we meet everyone's favorite firefly, Ray! Who doesn't love a good Cajun lightning bug? Tiana and Naveen literally have their tongues tied....to each other. Because they had to find some way to work sexual tension into their relationship even though they're frogs, and this is a children's film. So Ray comes to their rescue. Yay Ray! Also that rhymed. 

      Ray and his firefly friends agree to take Tiana, Naveen, and Louis to see Mama Odie. These independent fireflies show that we can be our own evening stars and light our own way, and if that's not deep than nothing is. 

     Then we see another brief Dr. Jeggings scene which is the scariest and most unnecessary moment in the cinematic universe:

                       Really? Did Satan really have to make an appearance?

So Dr. Facilier (I have no cute nicknames left) is apparently working for this man, let's call him the Devil, and he must convince the Devil to give him another chance. The details here are all very vague. Also I'm blogging this two months after I actually watched the movie, so mostly I just don't remember...also vagueness and whatnot.

     Back in the swamp, Tiana takes some dang initiative and decides that they need to make dinner and eat which makes me like Tiana even more. I like food. So she sets the spoiled Prince Naveen to mincing mushrooms. Umm....tip for life number 688: DO NOT EAT RANDOM SWAMP MUSHROOMS! Seriously, it's basic safety code. If you do consume a random swamp mushroom and have a suspicion that it is toxic, I urge you to call poison control hotline (if you have cell service in your random swamp. If not, you better be praying). The number is: 1 (800) 222-1222. But don't call if you're not actually in danger of being poisoned because I don't need Poison Control on my back about having people call them. 

      Flirtation alert on Naveen and Tiana: the gumbo's not the only thing getting hot up in here. Ray sets the mood and starts singing about the love of his life, the best lightning bug out there: Evangeline. Unfortunately, Evangeline is just a star. And just like Anna and Kristoff, Tiana and Naveen don't have the heart to tell him his dream is not possible. But he sings, some of which is in Cajun French which Naveen so adorably translates for Tiana. I personally think this was added to give the couple second-hand intimacy. Naveen is saying the words to Tiana, and it sounds genuine. This dinner is such a pivotal moment in the film because they both have to experience each other's lifestyles. Naveen has to experience actual labor. He puts out actual effort to achieve a satisfying outcome. Tiana has to relax like Naveen does. She gets to experience enjoying what life has to offer, while Naveen experiences enjoying the fruits of his labor. It's a beautiful balance, and shows that two opposites can find harmony. 

      Finally we see the infamous Madame Odie and she isn't bad at all. She's just a nice lady who happens to be blind, thereby implementing the cliche, "blind person sees better than the other characters" ironic theme. Not that I don't love that theme; it's one of my favorites. I will say, trying to maintain my respect for Disney, that it is a little juvenile. Now I will change the subject before I offend some folks.

       Madame Odie's scene parallels Dr. Facilier's (pretty sure that he is in no way medically certified or has a PhD) voodoo scene. Both take place when naive troubled souls come to visit. Dr. Notadoctor, however, lures his patients in while Madame Odie is sought out. And that's how it works, isn't it, darlings? Evils sets traps, and everyone spends their lives looking for good. They both have a fun musical number, though Dr. Facilier's was just plain creepy, and Madame Odie's is THE BEST SONG IN EXISTENCE! "It don't matter what you look like." It's a groovy tune, let me tell you. And hecka deep. Yeah, I said hecka. Shout out to my homegirl, Megan. Dr. Facilier's scene is filled with dark colors and Madame Odie's is all light and airy...another familiar device. Also Madame Odie has a snake. Snakes are typically affiliated with sin and all evil sketchy things. Madame Odie's pet snake shows that not everything is what it seems. One of the main themes in this story is deception. Naveen was lured into a trap by something that seemed like Heaven, but it turned out to be Hell. Madame Odie is famed for being rotten, when really she is just a delightful old blind African-American woman. Kind of like in The Sandlot. Thinks are not what they seem, people. Madame Odie dishes out some life lessons and hot gumbo and all Tiana walks away with is the thought that she needs to work harder. She needs to chill, but she's living in a society that says that her status dooms her to labor and she embraces that. Work hard, but don't accept what society tries to dish you. 

       Also I'd like to say that Ray trying and failing a reprise in this scene is all of us. Don't pretend you haven't been there before, because you have. 

      So they hop on a boat, as one does. Louis fits in and plays trumpet because everyone thinks he's a dude in a gator costume so plus. And our dear friend, Naveen decides to propose to Tiana. He minces her some dinner and is all awkward and cute. Then, tragically, he realizes that Tiana might rather be a human and pursue her dreams than live life as a frog with him. Meaning he has to kiss Lottie to get her what she wants. Also because Lottie is the Mardi Gras Princess, it is somehow legit in the magic world and her kiss will revive Tiana and Naveen. Sometimes you just gotta kiss another girl to win over the woman you love....I'm being sarcastic. That's false, everyone. 

     This is where we get real deep though. What most viewers out there don't realize is that chasing after someone is selfish. It's only looking after your own happiness. Loving someone is wanting them to be happy even if that means being miserable yourself. Chasing implies running. Running implies the desire to leave. Chasing someone is never a good idea, however romantic media may depict it. 

        Fun piece of news: the creepy guy gets even creepier! Why oh why?! So the party is underway and Lottie is about to marry the English bloke who's name I forgot on a float because romance. But he looks like Naveen so she's okay with it. Then Tiana, after thinking that she and Naveen may work, sees the two mid-wedding ceremony. First of all, that would be some pretty quick work on Naveen's part if it were really him. Second, could you just imagine? This is a woman who has closed herself off to human emotion and vulnerability and the second she opens up, he goes and marries her best friend. That's tragedy, folks. Also known as situational irony. Stuff happens. What kind of stuff, you ask? I don't know. I didn't write it down.  I just remember a terrible chaos, Louis leaving his trumpet and trampling folks, and Shadow Man causing stuff and stepping on Ray. Yes, he kills Ray, which is the saddest event since Mufasa bit it. All in the last few minutes, Louis, Ray, and Naveen all gave up their dreams for Tiana. 

          Everyone at this point is fighting for the amulet. You remember the amulet, right? Activated by blood and in the shape of some weird voodoo thing? That amulet. Eventually Tiana gets it and our heroine has a choice. Shadow Man goes into manipulation mode, as all bad guys do. He explains to her that all she's ever done is work and all her father ever did was work. He promises her that in handing over the amulet, he will ensure that she gets her restaurant and that she never has to work another day. Let me just preach to you a bit: The Devil has no problem giving you what you want to get what he wants. But what you want isn't always what you need and it doesn't imply happiness. Everybody sing: "YOU CANT ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WAAAAANT" Alright, back to the story. Kind of like Anastasia in the classic Fox film Anastasia, Tiana smashes the amulet, thus ensuing the most inappropriate Disney scene there's ever been. I kid you not, demons and voodoo dolls and weird creepy masks start singing and playing drums whilst dragging Shadow Man into the depths of Hell. No lie. 

Although, not gonna lie, for weird little mask things, the music is quite good.

          This isn't what you signed up for when you saw the Cinderella castle at the beginning shimmering to the tune of "When You Wish Upon a Star". 

     But hey! The bad guy is dead which means that our leading couple can now be together. Yay! Except for no. Naveen still has to kiss Charlotte. Which is kind of a mood killer. "Hey, Honey. I love you but I need you to kiss my friend, Lottie." Luckily, Lottie has absolutely no problem with making out with Tiana's new beau. So Lottie puckers up and.........the clock chimes. Dearies, if there is anything you can learn from this movie, it's that sometimes midnight comes too soon. This follows this movie's habit of parodying fairy-tales. Cinderella made it home from the ball, but not everyone does in time. Tiana's story didn't work out like clockwork, but that's life. And sometimes, love has to still exist and life has to still be lived, no matter the terms. 

         Fast forward to Ray's funeral. You may all sob if you wish. Ray was such a pure and innocent character. His death is another life lesson. Happy endings are never a guarantee. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Ray, however, in his relentless optimism, makes his ending happy. He was proud to die for his friend, Tiana, and excited to join his one true love, Evangeline. As they lower Ray's smushed body into the lake (not as graphic as it sounds), another star joins Evangeline in the sky. The two are finally together. I'm going to now take a break and go flood the ground with my tears. 

       Fast forward to Tiana and Naveen's wedding. This is seriously the most beautiful wedding ever. And when they kiss, they transform into people again. Because the second they get married, Tiana becomes a princess. 

      

            But conveniently, the spell-breaking comes with a free Vera Wang number and tailored suit. Because magic.

             And then they have another wedding! You know, one Tiana's mother can attend.

    

                            Although the green is a little overdone at this point.

Tiana never opens Tiana's Place. This journey taught her she is a worthy woman. She opens Tiana's Palace and she and Naveen still work, but it's a good kind of work. And they're in love!!!!! 

          I will now proceed to list off reasons why this movie needs a sequel:

          1. The majority of their relationship was as frogs. Naveen is such a suave guy, and Tiana is such a strong woman. We need to see them together as people. 

          2. Tiana's Palace looks like a happenin' place. We need to see more of it.

          3. Naveen and Tiana never got their signature love ballad. Every Disney royal couple has one.

          4. We never met Naveen's parents. Sure they're kind of jerks, but still. Bring out the parents!

          5. Need more Louis.

          6. The movie is underrated and people need to see that these characters are worthy of Disney royalty. 

          7. Naveen, Naveen, Naveen. 

       The end. Don't screw around with voodoo. I think that's all that needs to be said here.